Day 6: I feel ______
I feel unlovable and ugly right now. Don’t really know what brought it on, but after my shower I had an urge to just engage in some not-so-good behaviors. But I didn’t.
The holiday seasons are always hard for me for multiple reasons. One of them being that I have to face up to my family and they get to see my failures. Every year it’s the same question, “Do you have a boyfriend?”, every year it’s the same answer, “No”. Then they stare at me like I’m some freak. The older I get, the worse it gets. They “don’t understand why I don’t have someone”, and I can’t really answer them because I know why, but it’s not very good manners or good table talk to say “well, i’m unappealing in every way possible sooo”.
I’m gonna try and do what Brian says to do and that’s tell them that no I don’t have anyone right now, but then bring up how school is going and things like that and I can just direct the questions towards stuff like that.
I would literally do anything to be beautiful.
But no, that’s not true. I wouldn’t hurt people, I wouldn’t give up being a good person, I wouldn’t give up my education or everything I’ve accomplished.
I need to remember that what I look like doesn’t matter, it will not stop me from helping the world and that is what’s most important to me.
So this is why I’m using this for day 6. It’s not a happy post, some people will think it’s only for attention, but it’s a good representation that in recovery you will have your good days, and you will have your bad days, either way the days end and you make it through.
I will make it through this holiday season without any bad coping behaviors, but if I don’t and I relapse that’s ok, I just gotta keep myself going, and that’s what recovery is about.
[please be nice to me about this post, if you have nothing nice to say just don’t say anything. this took a lot of courage for me to write and be honest about some things]